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About.com Forum Discussion
May 3 - 17, 2001
Transcript of Forum Discussion with
Kristen Magnacca on
Surviving Mother's Day
infertility.guide:
Mother's Day is an annual event in the U.S. and U.K., one that's supposed to be a reminder of the joys of motherhood. For many who visit our site, Mother's Day is instead a reminder of pain and anguish, loss and despair, and isolation. So, we've created this special folder to help us all get through the coming holiday!
We'll be assisted by Kristen Magnacca, author of "Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion." Kristen has some good ideas on coping with Mother's Day, coming from her own personal experiences!
Share with others your thoughts and tips on how to cope with and maybe even transform the incredible mix of emotions that can overwhelm you this time of year...
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KMGTOG (Kristen Magnacca):
Hello! For the next week I'll be posting my survival tips regarding special occasions and holidays. I look forward to hearing your response and input. So, here's today's tip!
Whether or not you are out of the closet to your family and friends regarding your fertility issues, holidays or special occasions including the upcoming "Mother's Day" celebration can be difficult to handle. While going through fertility treatment, the approach of Mother's Days left me with mixed emotions.
I wanted to be with my mom to honor her on her day, but I was caught in the middle of my own unpleasant feelings about not having achieved motherhood myself. Being with my mom meant being with the whole family and having to prepare for all the emotional "stuff" that came with this situation. My experience with my own "fertility challenges," and information I learned through trial and error, enabled me to develop the strategies below that can help those during these often difficult situations
Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling without judgement. I definitely felt guilty about being confused and upset over Mother's Day, but I did not take into account my situation and the effects the fertility treatments had on my mind, body and soul. So, feel what you're feeling without placing any judgement and then release it to the universe – either journal the feeling away or having a "hissy fit" just get that energy out!
GREYMOM3:
Your tips really help, I am going to go have that hissy fit as soon as I am done here. :-( Anyways, I was ok today until we got to church, which is hard for me anyways because my DH is Catholic and there are MANY babies in the service every week. Well I am ready for that, just not the "Happy Mother's Day" greeting I got coming in the door. It felt like a slap in the face.
We have been trying for almost two years, I was finally diagnosed with hyperprolactinemia in January and had a miscarraige in March. Oh and my AF came today, no wonder I am a little emotional. Could things get any better? Anyways, just feeling sorry for myself. I will go hug my hounds, they think I'm great, even if they didn't buy me a card!
KMGTOG:
Hi Greymom3, I hope the hissy fit helped. You have all the right in the world to feel sorry for yourself! Some days you just need to allow those feeling to bubble up and out.
Thanks for writing!
Kristen.
ERIKAZENGER:Grey Mom, I am right with you on getting sick from people saying "happy mother's day" -- it's bad enough coming from people who have no idea whether you are a mother or not.
But imagine this – we show up for mother's day dinner with DH's family last night, and my MIL makes a big show of saying, in front of everyone, "oh and happy mother's day to you too, Erika."
Now she is not a spiteful person, but she knows (1) we are dealing with IF, and I had an ectopic just a few months ago, and (2) my own mother died five years ago and I am still quite sad about it. So what is up with THAT?
Mother's day is not happy for me in any sense of the word, but I just try to grin and bear it every year. After last night's dinner, where both my SIL's decided to bring their five kids to dinner at a fancy restaurant and the kids played with gameboys throughout the dinner (or cried when they couldn't sit on mom's lap while she was eating), well my DH and I are questioning whether we even WANT kids. So, I think we ended up having an anti-mother's day! Hope today is better for you...
TRACEY06
Hi, I know how you feel. I had my 1 m/c the end of February. I've been doing better but church for me this past weekend was rather tough since they were giving out flowers to all the moms. Then on Sunday - I called my mom (who has not been supportive at all) to wish her a happy day and I could just tell she wanted me to come up. But this time I listened to myself and we stayed at home. I'm happy I did because it was a tough day for me emotionally as this was our 1st pregnancy. I spoke with my dad this morning and he tried to give me a guilt trip - what about my feelings? Anyway - thanks for listening to me vent.
Take care,
Tracey
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KMGTOG
Tip #2
Determine which course of action will be best for you: To attend or not to attend, that is the question?
Again, make this decision without judging yourself or being too hard on yourself. There may be ramifications for not attending a family celebration. Right now, you have to think of your physical and mental health first!
Number two might sound simplistic but when I was in the middle of treatment I considered my decision making to be impaired or clouded so the thought of not "attending" never occurred to me!
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BBUZZINI:
I had been thinking about everyone here and planning a Mother's Day post, but I guess I'll make my statements now.
Each one of us is a mother in some way, we raise our DHs the way their biological mothers should have. Some of us raise fur babies (cats, dogs, rabbits, etc.). Some of us raise plants and some nurture new ideas. We all have a mothering spirit whether or not we have raised a human baby and we can think of this day as a day to honor that spirit.
HELENHELEN:
Great thought! Also--whenever we show caring for others, give them our love, help them out, we have a mothering spirit. I am also including nieces, nephews and the children of friends and those we work with or volunteer for as well as regular old adults. Take the holiday to give your own mothers and mothers-in-law an extra big hug too for all they might have gone through to conceive us and our partners!
Helen
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KMGTOG:
Tip #3
The escape plan!
If you plan on attending, break the day's events down into portions and choose which aspects you are capable of dealing with. As I detailed in my book, when faced with celebrations that I was nervous about attending, I would set a goal of attending the cocktails and appetizers portion of the event. If I made it through that and wanted to stay, I was already successful. This allowed me to not feel like a failure if I had to leave before dinner. I already had my escape plan and I was a winner! If you want to read all the tips at once, visit my website www.girlfriendtogirlfriend.com.
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KMGTOG:
Tip #4
The Secret Code word or Red Flag helped me in many instances.
Create a secret code word or phrase for your husband/partner – We used the phrase "these pretzels are making me thirsty" from Seinfeld. When I started talking about pretzels, my husband knew I was ready to have an emotional meltdown and he would run for my coat or the car!
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KMGTOG:
Tip #5
This might be the most important tip I can offer to those struggling to accept their own feelings while having to face social situations:
In marketing there is a term called an "elevator speech." An elevator speech is a one to two second blurb that you have down cold and can use to sell your business to someone whom you happen to meet on an elevator or anywhere else. The door closes and you have just the amount of time it takes to get to the next floor to convey your information in a clear and coincise manner.
An example of how this applies to being "fertility challenged" is this: One night my husband and I were at one of his client's parties. Across the table a gentleman yelled something about my husband's manhood, and asked, "When are you selfish yuppies going to have a family?" I glanced down at my butter knife and for a brief instant was inclined to use it! Instead, we just left; I was in tears.
The outside world could see how hard my husband and I were working to achieve our professional goals, but the work we were putting into our goal of creating a family, the most important of all of our desires, was invisible to others. After that incident I practiced my responses: (This one goes for the jugular!)
You know what, I probably would have thought that same thing, but never said it out loud. In my experience, I've learned that how I see things might be very far from the truth!
"Why don't you have children? When are you going to start a family?"
I would love to have children, sometimes it isn't as easy as it seems.
or
Hey, that's a great idea!
or
Bite me!
I really relied on the first elevator speech to get me through a lot of tight spots. I would shorten it to, "You know I probably would have thought the same thing but never said it out loud." This usually shuts the person up cold and the subject is immediately changed.
JEH34:
Thank you for your insights. People can say the most inconsiderate things. I can't wait to read your book.
KMGTOG:
Thank you too, I hope I helped. I appreciate your responding.
Kristen
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