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Cape Cod Times, July 31, 2003
By ROBIN LORD, STAFF WRITER
After fertility issues, medical treatments,
marital difficulties, and testimony before Congress...
A Sandwich couple
realizes parenthood and counsels others
SANDWICH - Kristen and Mark Magnacca got married one day and expected that she would be pregnant the next. Parenthood was No. 1 on their list of things to do as a couple, and they were anxious to get started.
Their bodies had other plans. Days dragged into months and on into years. Still no baby. To these young, successful Sandwich residents who were used to exerting control in every other area of their lives, the elusive pregnancy grew into a huge, dark storm which eventually tossed their marriage onto the rocks. " I went from being this woman who ran her own business, chairman of the board of the chamber of commerce who could make things happen, to someone who couldn't get pregnant and carry a baby," said Magnacca. "I was so depressed I just didn't understand it." Today, the Magnaccas are the happily married parents of four-year-old Cole, and expecting the birth of daughter Grace Sarah Rose at the end of August.
Their struggle with infertility ended through a combination of surgeries, medications, holistic therapies and mindful prayer. Their marriage was repaired with grit and determination, together with some simple but unique exercises they came up with themselves. The couple readily admit their experience with infertility left them different people. The depths of depression and mistrust of each other - and even their own bodies - was something they wanted to spare anyone they could.
Magnacca wrote a soul-baring book about the experience in 2000, "Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion," into which she poured all of her journal entries during those painful years. She testified before Congress in 2001 about the need for research into holistic treatment for infertility.
The couple also developed seminars for other couples dealing with infertility, and Magnacca is nearing completion on a second book dealing with the more practical ins and outs of trying to have a baby, "Positive Conception: 28 Strategies to Saving Your Sanity and Relationship While Trying to Have a Baby." The book is due out later this year.
How common is infertility? According to RESOLVE, the National Organization for Infertility Awareness, infertility is a condition diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse. It is also suspected when a woman has suffered multiple miscarriages. About 10 percent of the population is affected. Infertility is broken down into "male factor," "female factor," combination of both, and unexplained, says the organization. About 40 percent of infertility is due to physical issues with the woman, and 40 percent is due to a male factor. The balance is due to a combination of issues or are unexplained. Medical treatment ranges from medications to surgery.
Couples under strain
Outsiders can sympathize with those who are dealing with infertility, but they don't really know the agony, Magnacca said. " I say to people, if you're not in the game, you don't know about it. As compassionate as my mom and my sister and all my friends were, they weren't in it. It's like a club you really don't want to be in." Cultural expectations have a lot to do with the strain people find when they have trouble getting pregnant, she said. " No one ever says, six million people at any one time are suffering from infertility. What do you learn when you're growing up? You learn you get married and then you have a baby," she said.
Magnacca, 40, was 32 when she got married, and wanted to start a family right away. But, when it didn't happen, she and her husband found that both were suffering from physical problems that were treatable through surgery. She had endometriosis, an overgrowth of the lining of the uterus, and a blocked fallopian tube, one of two that carry the egg from the ovary to the uterus. He had a varicose vein in the scrotum, which meant too much blood - and heat - was surrounding the sperm. Following the surgery, they plunged right in to the "high tech" route where sperm counts are taken and ovulation rates monitored. Ultrasound, hormonal injections, blood tests all became routine. They made several attempts at "intrauterine ovulation," a process of washing and treating the sperm before it is injected into the woman during ovulation. After the third try, she learned she was pregnant. But the elation they felt was short-lived. The fertilized egg failed to move out of the fallopian tube, and the result was an ectopic pregnancy. Surgery is necessary for ectopic pregnancies to remove the egg so the tube does not rupture. The pregnancy was lost.
Dual suffering
Afterwards, Magnacca's desire to become pregnant grew into an obsession that cast a cloud over every minute of the day. " The childlessness just follows you around all the time," she said. "It was difficult because everyone around me was achieving one pregnancy after another, and I fell into this place I didn't know existed." Meanwhile, her husband was suffering too, but their ways of dealing with it differed. " Mark didn't understand why I was grieving the way I was grieving, and we didn't communicate. He didn't know what to do with me," she said. Gradually the estrangement pervaded their everyday lives. He would come home from work as a financial advisor and the two would not even talk. Dinners were silent and separate. The house felt empty to both of them, she said. One day, Magnacca decided something had to change or the pregnancy would not be the only casualty. " When you're in that ugly marriage land, you really don't communicate. There's that bitter phase, and that's where we were," she said. "But I didn't want us not to be together." She seized on a trait they shared. Both are avid list makers, so she got a stack of colored 3-by-5-inch cards and told her husband to write down three things he needed her to do for him. She did the same. The exercise was very simple, but effective. She told her husband she wanted him to call her three times a day, to ask her how she was feeling and just listen to the answer. She also wanted to have dinner together, because even that had fallen by the wayside. He in turn asked her to greet him when he came home and to remind him why she had married him. Gradually, the effort paid off and the pair grew closer. " It was so easy and so profound," Magnacca said. The technique is now one they use in seminars they give on marriage and infertility issues around the country. Over and over, they hear testimony from others who have used the card technique, she said. " One man whose wife goes to work before him said he wanted his wife to wake him up before she left and tell him she loves him. I got an e-mail from her saying, 'I'm off to work and feeling so much more connected because I didn't think he cared,'" she said.
Once the marriage was back on solid ground, Magnacca decided to pursue a different course towards pregnancy. She attended a course given by Dr. Alice "Ali" Domar, director of women's health programs at Harvard Medical School's Division of Behavioral Medicine Mind-Body Institute. Magnacca learned techniques for calming her mind and controlling her thoughts - what is often called mindfulness. " It got to the point where even if we went out to dinner and there was a baby, I would have to leave. So mindfulness is just changing your focus off that onto, (telling yourself) 'OK, I'm out, I'm not cooking, I'm with people I enjoy . . .'" she said. During the program, she discovered she was pregnant. Nine months later, their son was born. She credits a technique called craniosacral therapy for her second pregnancy. Put simply, it is light touch done by a trained practitioner along the spinal column. It seeks to clear any blockages and aligns the body.
Both pregnancies were unlikely, given her physical condition, said Magnacca. Before her first, she had one damaged fallopian tube and extensive endometriosis. Before her second, she had a test in which dye is shot through the fallopian tubes. It showed complete blockages in both, she said. She believes that each pregnancy was divinely inspired, with much positive thinking and healthy habits on hers and her husband's parts. " Where there's a will there's a way," she said.
Meanwhile, as they await their daughter's birth, the Magnaccas are still presenting their seminars, telling their stories and enjoying the family they once thought would never be possible.
Kristen Magnacca will be speaking at the RESOLVE annual conference in Marlboro on Nov. 15. For more information on the Magnaccas' seminars consult their Web site, www.kristenmagnacca.com.
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