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InFocus
Fall 2004

The Power of a Simple Piece of Paper

the fertility game plan: taking back the control

by Kristen Magnacca

At 35, I was a happily married, successfully and professionally employed woman whose life was ruled by the belief that if you set a goal and took the necessary action steps, you had the equation for success. That was all true until we began trying to create our family.

As the months ticked away and with each failed attempt, time became my obsession, my competitor, and my master. From the ticking of my own biological clock, to my self-imposed life's time-line, to finally as a fertility patient whose entire life schedule had become about arriving on time for blood tests, ultrasounds and other procedures, to the injections that I gave myself each night exactly, and I do mean exactly, at 6 p.m. $ndash; I was an emotional prisoner to the spinning hands on the big round disc on the wall.

As my personality changed, my marriage began falling apart. I'd forgotten how to laugh. I was afraid to go out for fear of seeing a woman with a bulging belly. I avoided social occasions where friends and family might ask about our childlessness. Wherever I went, my infertility entered the room first and dragged me along by a chain.

And then I realized I had two choices: to either shrivel up and stay locked in my house and allow the anger to rule my life $ndash; or to move from being a victim of the heartbreak of infertility to taking control of what was within our control. On that day our Fertility Game Plan was born.

The Fertility Game Plan became a way for my husband and I to take charge of our infertility, tackle the challenge as we would any problem that arose in our businesses, set concrete goals, and achieve measured results. Infertility is abstract. Having your goals written on a piece of paper gives you something tangible to focus on and gives you a sense of control. Thinking ahead forces you to ask questions so you feel armed and in control of every situation. The Fertility Game Plan became a road map that would lead us through the hills and valleys we traveled on the road from infertility to creating a family. That family might be different than previously envisioned but we would arrive.

We began by asking ourselves questions and then sharing our answers with each other. What was our timeline for conceiving naturally? What was our timeline for trying artificial reproductive technology? Would we consider using donor sperm/eggs? Would we consider a surrogate mother? Would we consider adoption? What would we do if we have an ectopic pregnancy or a miscarriage? What would be our breaking points? What were our financial limits? What would we do to compromise if the breaking point were not mutually agreed upon? The questions started flowing, but finding the answers was a challenge.

As we came to conclusions about what we were and were not willing to do to become parents, we realized all of the control was ours. We were not at the mercy of doctors, time, other's opinions, or anything but our own choices and decisions. The answers to these questions allowed us to create a real plan with our own timeline. We agreed on three IUI attempts, and if those failed, we would consider one IVF. We even discussed and included what would happen if the cycle would not result in a positive outcome and what we would do if it did. Having written "what if" clauses made either outcome more mentally manageable. We were back at the helm, charting our own course, and steering our life's ship –together.

We would go to all appointments together. I would prepare the nightly injection and Mark would administer it. I developed additional ways for me to stay in control. I started keeping a journal of my thoughts and experiences. By writing down all of my emotions, it helped me release my toxic energy and stay focused on creating a baby. I took control of my thoughts during the day by allowing myself 10 minutes of scheduled lamenting time. If a wave of despair came over me during the day while I was working, I would write the thought on a sticky note, thus removing it from my mind at that moment.

Included in our written plan were specific details about how we could meet each other's needs. While in the murk of infertility, Mark and I had stopped sharing our feelings and as a result, we'd lost empathy and understanding for each other. To make matters worse, we actually resented each other for not understanding how the other felt. Imagine that $ndash; we didn't communicate and then were angry that the other person didn't understand!Mark and I started writing three things we needed from each other on 3x5 cards and exchanged them every morning.This enabled us to connect and understand each other. The cards were a tangible reminder of the ways we could show our love for each other. It could be as simples as "call me when you get to work" to "greet me at the door when you get home." No matter how simple, by telling each other what we needed to feel loved, we opened up our hearts to each other, allowed communication to flow, and solidified our team.

When dealing with the sterile, seemingly unnatural treatments and procedures associated with fertility treatments, keeping emotionally and mentally focused on the aspects of your life that you can control can make all the difference. At the end of it all, we realized that we wanted a baby to complement our lives together and that our love must be the foundation for the family we hoped to create. Maintaining that love and good communication is all within your control.

Kristen Magnacca is the author of Girlfriend to Girlfriend: A Fertility Companion and Love and Infertility. For more information, visit www.kristenmagnacca.com.

When dealing with the sterile, seemingly unnatural treatments and procedures associated with fertility treatments, keeping emotionally and mentally focused on the aspects of your life that you can control can make all the difference.