|
she Shines
Spring 2006
www.sheshines.org
The unexpected challenge
of infertility and mother's day
by Kristen Magnacca
Paula felt weak, as though all the energy had been drained from her body. As she sat staring at the phone she felt so conflicted. It wasn't that she didn't want to honor or be with her mom on Mother's Day it was the overwhelming sense of shock that she was still faced with.
All she wanted was a baby and as the months ticked away she had the knowing that something wasn't right. Then she was confronted with the diagnosis of infertility. Infertility as she had been told by her doctor is a disease. It is defined by the inability to conceive after a full year having unprotected sex. Paula and her husband, Steve unfortunately had joined the statistic of 1 in 8 couples or 7.3 million Americans of childbearing age, who are infertile and are faced with challenges to create their family.
She tried in vain to control her rambled thoughts. How could this be? I eat right and exercise. I hardly drink and never smoked. I've made healthy choices but still I can't do what should be so natural. Then her thoughts changed to having to be with her family at the mother's day brunch that her sister and sister-in-law had planned.
As Paula sat drumming her fingers on the table, in hopes of stirring up the courage to call and back out of the brunch she once again felt paralyzed by her thoughts. The question was could she muster the courage and go to the gathering, but she wasn't sure she could put on a happy face. Knowing for sure that her sister would take one look at her and know there was a problem. She needed help but wasn't sure of where or whom to turn to.
Receiving a diagnosis of infertility brings an immediate crisis, upheaval and chaos into ones life. Here are four proven, powerful strategies that when implemented can create a sense of control, empowerment and an environment of safety.
1. Creating a fertility game plan: This strategy changes the energy of this circumstance from reactive to proactive. A fertility game plan is a written document that prepares a plan for the "what ifs." It also can be used to remind your partner what you need during the journey by expressing what is necessary physically, emotionally and spiritually. Start by writing down the three things that you feel you need during this time of trying to create your family. Then get more specific. Are you willing to move on to high tech fertility treatments? What are you thoughts about adoption? Would you use donor sperm or egg if necessary? By sharing this information with your reproductive endocrinologist your whole team will be on the same sheet of music which is very powerful.
Find the modality of holding this information that would work best for you as a couple. An accountant in the midst of infertility used a spreadsheet, something that she was comfortable using. Some couples use a journal where they keep their notes from their doctors' appointments too. Your fertility game plan can change with new information, so creating a system that can be tweaked is best.
2. Keeping a journal is so beneficial to chronicle your fertility journey for multiple reasons. Purging your emotions down on the written page is an excellent way of getting rid of the toxic energy associated with the daily trials and tribulations of infertility. It will be a record of what happened so that you can refer back to your story if necessary for a reminder. Next, it can and will help to change your focus with adding a gratitude list at the end of each entry. A gratitude list is a list of items, simple and extravagant that you are thankful for. Infertility has a way of directing your focus on everything you don't have, a child, creating amnesia to all the other abundance in your life (cleansheets, a full tank of gas, a warm meal, supportive friends and a loving spouse).
3. An elevator speech is another powerful tool to have in your fertility survival kit. Typically used in marketing a business when applied to the fertility struggle it takes the fear and panic away from "those" inquiries: "So, when are you going to have baby?", "Don't you two want to have children?," or "I'm waiting for a grandchild." An Elevator Speech is a well-rehearsed, scripted answer to those questions that you are likely to get. It will lower the stress from the anticipation of the questions and the uncomfortable situation of what that question brings.
Here are a few examples of what works well:
- "Babies come when babies come."
- "We have a whole team of experts working on that."
- "Not yet, but you'll be the first to know."
Practicing your response out loud with your partner can help you feel more prepared and in control.
4. Creating a support system, whether in person or online is critical. For example, RESOLVE is the national Infertility Association. The regional chapter is RESOLVE of the Bay State which offers support groups, on-line chats, workshops and an annual symposium. Finally, remember that there is a beginning, middle and end to everything. You just have to manage each step of the way in the manner that is best for you as an individual and couple. Infertility will come to an end, really it will.
|
